Look at me, posting twice in one week. I just might like this blog stuff. This one is going to be a long one… but I really need some insight. My 4 year old daughter, Ashlynn has a best friend / bully at school. Let’s just call the BBF/bully Jaime. Honestly, they really are best friends. “The closest 2 kids in my class” according to their teacher. However, ‘Jaime’ is a bully. Jaime has scratched Ashlynn several times, once leaving a terrible scar on her arm. That scratch was so bad Jaime was put on a behavioral notice. Jaime has also been sent home twice for her behavioral problems, the school was in fear that she could endanger herself or another student. Well, with that little bit of background, let me tell you the most recent.On Friday I got a call from her school informing me that a ‘friend’ had pushed Ashlynn and she had some injuries. When I got to the school, Ashlynn seemed fine, she was sad; she never understands why Jaime does this. Here is the story from the teacher. Basically, in a nutshell: Ashlynn and Jaime were on the swing-set bickering. Jaime punched Ashlynn in the back and then threw sand in another girls face. Ashlynn left. Jaime followed and pushed Ashlynn from behind.
So, I have my daughter leaving the situation and this little girl comes from BEHIND and slams into her. Ashlynn has a little scratch on her chin and elbow, a decent size scratch on her knee (it’s gooey) and a really bad gash on the palm of her hand. The hand one had the teacher and I so concerned we went the to school nurse. Basically it’s too wide to stitch but it was deep enough. So, lots of TLC, Neosporin and band-aids and she will live to fight another day.
Before I got to Ashlynn's school according to her teacher Ashlynn went to Jaime and said, "you need to say sorry to me." That had to take courage. For a 4 year old to go to a 5 year old that she looks up to and ask for an apology… wow, I am proud of her.
So, to my question, “When is it ok to tell your daughter to beat the crap out of a bully?” I’m really torn. I don’t want to raise a ‘sissy’ that will be bullied her whole life, however how do you explain to a 4 year old that it’s ok to hit ‘sometimes’. I don't want to create someone like Jaime. So, David and I have decided to take the high road. We’ve talked to Ashlynn and said we’re sorry her friend isn’t always nice and that it’s never ok to hurt someone. But so help me, when my daughter is 8 and can understand the difference between attacking and defending, IT’S ON! Did we do the right thing??? HELP!
Summer 2012
14 years ago
5 comments:
Wow. That is an increadibly tough one!! I guess I would tell Tanner that it is not ok for others to hit or push him -- ever. And that it is ok if he does not want to play with someone that hits or pushes. He can tell that kid - I don't want to play with you because you hurt me. I would honestly tell him to find another friend at school and encourage him not to play with kids that hurt other kids.
I'm not sure what the answer is but I think I would tell Tanner not to play with a bully. I would encourage him to find friends that treated him with respect. I would also tell the teachers that I have encourage Tanner not to play with kids who hurt or bully him and that I expected that they closely monitor and respect his requests to not play with the bully.
Bottom line is that I would want Tanner to know that he does not have to allow people to take advantage, hurt or bully him. I would want him to know that he does not deserve that and that he is a good person and he deserves friends that hug and love him. I would tell him that he doesn't have to hurt them back, he just needs to walk away with confidence because he is a good kid who can easily make other friends.
Good luck, sweetie. Not sure if this helps. Again, that is such a tough situation!!
P.S. If this doesn't work then let's find out who the parents of this kid are and we will go kick their asses! I always have your back, Chris! I may be small but I've gone through labor TWICE now so pain does not discourage me.
Thanks for the 1st post and a BIG thanks for the 2nd post!!!
Wow - I can't even imagine what I would do in this type of situation. These are some of my biggest fears about being a parent. You guys are amazing and I don't know how you do it!
Hi Chris! I found your blog from Amy's... we've met, but it was years ago!
My parents always told me it was not okay to start anything with anyone, but if I was in danger of being hurt, I was to protect myself.
I would suggest distancing your daughter from this friend, it could be harmful to her self esteem, she can't understand why a 'friend' would hurt her. You don't want her to think that this is an acceptable way for people to treat her - ever.
Jamie needs to get her arse kicked, where's a bully 6 yr old when you need one????
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